Monthly Nightmare
by NothingButBipolar
Summary: Squalo always knew that his boss had anger management problems, and like any other woman, also had her womanly problems. He didn't know how problematic she was until buying her demands. On the way, he runs into several others on a similar errand. Contains OOC, crack, fem!Xanxus and fem!Mammon and disregards for canon. For SkyGem's challenge.


**By the power bestowed upon me when I took up the task of being a fanfiction writer, I hereby declare that Xanxus and Mammon are both females. Also, the Arcobaleno are adults, and Yuni, Aria, and Luce are all alive. Everyone will be out of character, very very out of character. Especially Xanxus. My reason for doing so is very simple: Crack. Now it doesn't matter if you try to sue me, because this is a fanfiction and I don't own KHR. And you'd probably be an idiot for suing me of all people instead of others, though that's just my opinion.**

* * *

**Monthly Nightmare**

Squalo knew that his boss had anger management problems. That much was a given. He also knew that no matter how violent or masculine his boss might be, she was female, and so had her own womanly problems. In other words, once a month, she would start bleeding and everyone would stay out of her way, and no one, not even her adoptive father or the Tenth boss of the strongest mafia family, would dare to cross her. Squalo didn't even dare approach her. She knew this, and didn't go out of her way to pick fights. That's why Squalo was immediately tense when it happened to be that time of the month and Xanxus happened to call him.

Almost fearing for his life, Squalo carefully walked to her room. He opened the door to reveal a very dark room, with the curtains drawn and covering up the light from the morning sun outside. He could just make out a bundle curled up on the bed, as if in great agony.

"Voi. What do you want?" Squalo asked, a lot quieter than usual as to not anger her.

"Go buy me some alcohol, chocolate, pads, and tampons," she growled from her bed.

"What?"

"Please, go, trash," she whined.

Squalo gulped and immediately left. An angry Xanxus would shear a few years off his life but he could deal with that, but a mood-swing-prone and whiny Xanxus would shatter what was left of his sanity. On his way out of the Varia headquarters, he saw Belphegor getting thrown out of a room. Squalo sweatdropped.

"Is Mammon on her you-know-what?" Squalo asked quietly.

Belphegor nodded. Squalo rubbed the back of his neck and left. Women were fearsome and not to be messed with at times. In his mind, he had created a mental checklist to see what Xanxus wanted. Alcohol, chocolate, pads, and tampons. He shuddered at the thought of the last two. First, he decided, was the alcohol and chocolates. The other stuff, he didn't want to even look at, much less buy. With that in mind, he stepped into a dimly lit store to buy her usual tequila and whiskey.

Afterwards, he entered a candy store that Xanxus had deemed acceptable back in their teenage years. He bought her favorite dark chocolates from there. A thought suddenly occurred to him; what if she wanted something sweeter? While he browsed through the milk chocolate section, the bell of the door rang. Out of habit, he immediately turned to the door, ready to attack if needed. He blinked when he saw two men who were very unlikely to cooperate walk into the store, together, and _not in the process of killing each other. _Byakuran and Mukuro both had strained faces as they walked to the same section as Squalo and looked for milk chocolates.

"Voi, what are you doing here?" Squalo asked.

"Yuni-chan's on her period," Byakuran replied. He remembered how she had practically torn apart his bedroom when he had first refused to buy her what she wanted, and then started crying when he offered her marshmallows.

"Same for Chrome," Mukuro responded meekly, remembering how he had tried to comfort her when she was crying from how much her cramps hurt, and then kneed him in the gut and demanded that he bought chocolates. "Is Xanxus-"

He seemed hesitant to finish. Squalo nodded. He took a box of milk chocolates with alcohol in them, at the same time that the other two also took boxes of chocolate. On some unknown command, all three sighed.

"I have to buy her pads and tampons after this," they all confessed at once.

After they paid, they found themselves walking to a different store, together. At the entrance, none of them wanted to step in. Squalo steeled his nerves and walked in and went directly to the feminine needs section. While he was prepared for the humiliation of having to buy anything from there, he wasn't prepared to see two of the Arcobaleno, Reborn and Colonello there. While they were normally composed, it wasn't easy when someone stares at you while you're holding a box of pads. Squalo resisted the urge to laugh as he walked up to them and stared at the different brands. He was joined shortly by Mukuro and Byakuran.

"What brings all of you here, I wonder?" Byakuran thought out loud, his smile obviously strained as he took a box of tampons.

"Luce," Reborn explained. She and her sisters, Aria and Yuni, were all very violent and somewhat trigger happy around that time of the month. They were bad enough that even Reborn wouldn't dare defy them.

"Lal," Colonello said. Everyone winced, knowing that she was bad enough on a normal day, and pitying Colonello for having to deal with an extra violent Lal Mirch.

Soon, all five each had both a box of pads and tampons. Right when they were about to leave, Gamma arrived and took a box of his own. Their eyes met, and they all sighed.

"Aria?" Reborn asked, to which Gamma nodded.

"I'm not sure this is even the one she uses," Colonello confessed.

"I have a feeling I'm going to go back, and get yelled at for buying the wrong brand, and then have to come here again," Mukuro complained.

A gasp caught their attention, and they all glared at the Tenth Vongola boss.

"Ah, No Good Tsuna. Perfect timing," Reborn said. With an impossibly straight face, he asked, "Do you know which brand the women use?"

Tsuna tried to keep up a poker face as he pointed to an orange and blue box, and said, "I think it was this one."

While the five men switched their boxes, Tsuna tried to run away.

"Not so fast, Tsunayoshi-kun," Byakuran said creepily, one of his hands holding onto Tsuna's collar.

"You have to suffer with us," Mukuro added in.

And so, Tsuna found himself being forced to walk to the cash register. While being surrounded by five very dangerous men. Who were all holding boxes of tampons and pads. They gathered a lot of strange looks from passerby.

"Woah, they're hot," a girl whispered to her friend. "Do you think they're all buying it for that girl in the middle?"

Tsuna could feel his cheeks heating up. He knew that his looks were feminine, but to be mistaken for a girl. He turned around to glare at Reborn, but a glance from Byakuran reminded him of his situation. At the cash register, they all plopped the boxes down and left, leaving Tsuna to pay. He sighed and swiped a card. At least he looked like a girl and so it wouldn't be too weird, right?

"Girlfriends are a pain when they tell you to stock up for their time of the month, eh?" the employee asked, handing him the receipt.

Tsuna could only nod and mentally curse his life.

* * *

Squalo arrived at Xanxus's room just in time to see her sobbing in Levi's arms about how long Squalo was taking.

"Voi, shitty boss, I got your stuff," Squalo called out.

Xanxus suddenly stopped crying and looked at him.

"SQUALO!" she yelled, tackling him.

He fell to the ground with her sitting on top of him. She took a bottle of whiskey from the bags that he had been carrying, downed half the bottle in one go, and frowned.

"Shit," Squalo murmured.

Levi had already left the room when she slammed the bottle down, almost hitting the poor shark's head. She suddenly got up, and went to the bed.

"Xanxus?"

"Shut up, trash, I'm going to sleep."

Squalo almost screamed. He went through the trouble to get her alcohol and chocolate and even her woman crap, and all she did was go to sleep. As he left the room to go to the training room, he thought that he almost heard a very small whisper of "Thanks, Squalo."

**I blame alcohol and periods and crack and shit, please don't kill me for making Xanxus and everyone else the way I did. It's all for the sake of laughs, I swear! By the way, did anyone catch the XS? **


End file.
